Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm at about main and main street
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
