Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
