Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
