I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
