Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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