Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
