On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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