If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
