A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
