lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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