dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
