Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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