so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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