Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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