is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
