Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
