His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I've blown a few things in my day
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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