Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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