I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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