hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
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I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
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wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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