i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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