Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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