I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
