i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
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I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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