The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
