its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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