Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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