I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
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No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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