Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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