I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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