How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
