I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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