Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
