well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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