is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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