She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
