all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
