We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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