I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
