Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
