they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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