Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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