This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
