its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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