I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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