Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
