you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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