I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
