my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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