i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
