now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
