I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
