Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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