I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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