Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
