she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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