I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am puke
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Everclear isn't food dammit
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize