my mouth tastes like poor choices
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
