I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
