I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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